Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Word of the Day: rapacious
Scientists discover what causes a British accent: brain damage!
Tongue-twisting headline of the day:
Fasting fakir flummoxes physicians
"You haven't eaten in HOW long??"
I always suspected these guys were morons. Now I know for sure!
You know it's the end of the world when:
There's a gay heavy-metal band: Pink Steel.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

How 'bout them Cowboys!
Word of the Day: plaudit.
"When a performer does somethin' you like, you plaudit!"

Saturday, November 22, 2003

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't!

Friday, November 21, 2003

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Word of the Day: interlard.
Hmmmm... a layer of something else between layers of fat?
Leonid Update:
I was out between about 1:30 and 2:15 and saw a whopping TWO meteorites. Fortunately, one of them was bright enough to justify me standing outside in shorts and a sweatshirt in 57º weather. Hey, in Florida that's cold enough to freeze water!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

"Hey, Junior! Go to the fridge 'n bring us a few cold ones for Thanksgivin'. And remember to bring the bottle opener this time, dad-gummit!" Yes, it's Thanksgiving in a bottle: Turkey & Gravy Soda from Jones Soda Co.
Introducing the newest JimBlog feature!
Word of the Day: bellicose.
"WHAT is the maximum airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"What do you mean, an African or European Swallow?"

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Doctors successfully separate man from pay phone.
Don't have a VCR? Now you can pretend you do with the VCR clock.
Here's proof that criminals are getting smarter. (Or people are just getting dumber.)
These people otter be locked up for this!
How are YOU going to celebrate World Toilet Day tomorrow?
Japan declares war against Mars, sends kamakaze fighter. Only problem: kamakaze space ship is unmanned!
Leonid Meteor Shower Peaks Tonight into Wednesday Morning. If you're in an area with dark skies start looking for meteors around 11 p.m. At midnight you should start seeing more. The peak time is around 2:30 a.m. Look about 45º above the horizon to the north. See you out there!

Monday, November 17, 2003

For the guy who has everything: this would make a great stocking stuffer!
An airline with this name would never make it here.
Doughnuts: innocent breakfast treat or Al-Qaeda weapon?
This is why female athletes shouldn't take testosterone!
Gillette: Overzealous to find out what consumers use, or spying for the Commies?
Word-That-Isn't-Really-A-Word of the day: "Bubkus." Now repeat it 10 times really fast.
Ohhhhhhh, that's a dead guy hanging in there? I thought it was just another sculpture!
For all you vegetarian Matrix fans, I give you THE MEATRIX. Join Moopheus and Leo. Free your mind...and your meat.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I'm connected to the world again! I finally have a cell phone again, after more than two months without one. I decided to go with Virgin Mobile, which is strictly pay-as-you-go. No contracts or monthly fees. You add money to your account as you need it. You just have to add $20 every 90 days. Not a bad deal if you don't use your phone a lot. If I end up using it a lot I'll probably switch to one of the "regular" companies and hopefully find a deal for a free phone from Amazon.com. It's a cool phone, though. It has a built-in flashlight, which comes in handy for making midnight fridge raids without turning on the kitchen floodlights and waking up half the neighborhood. It also has polyphonic ringtones...still electronic sounding as opposed to sounding like actual musical instruments, but cool tunes still. I'm surprised, actually, that nobody has developed a cell phone that plays mp3's as ringtones. Soon, maybe?

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

What did Humphrey Bogart say when he met his favorite Greek mathematician?
"Here's looking at Euclid."
Quote of the Day:
Was Thomas Edison a genius because he invented the lightbulb or because he remembered to turn it off when he left the room?

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Thank you, Al Gore, for creating the internet so we could have dancing hamsters.
Overworked and underpaid? Try the opposite.
Going hiking in Sweden? Watch your step or you'll be toast.

Monday, November 10, 2003

If you think you're wasting time reading MY blog, just wait till you visit Dave Barry's Blog.
Silly story of the day: Get a McJob!
Before iTunes or satellite radio: an early music subscription service.
As Garrison Keillor once said, "Most of the people who have died at orchestra concerts were killed by a long trumpet solo." I almost became another casualty of the trumpet section tonight, sitting right in front of the 1st trumpet player in a rehearsal. Maybe there should be a law requiring trumpet players to use mutes when playing less than 50 feet from another living being. Oh well, at least he was a good player. :P
People are like onions. Everyone has various layers to themselves. Getting to know someone is like peeling back the layers of the onion. So how many layers do you have around your inner onion? Who is your inner onion?
hmmmmm...
Wow, FedEx is charging an arm and a leg these days!
Fun activity of the day:
Say the word "blog" over and over again, quickly. You'll start to sound like those alien muppets with the really big mouths from Sesame Street. :*)

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Ok, as promised here is a link to the IMAX site where you can find out where Revolutions is playing. Enjoy!
If you haven't seen The Matrix: Revolutions yet...
GO SEE IT NOW!!!
Do NOT pay attention to the negative reviews saying that the story is predictable (it's NOT) or that the acting is bad (it's NOT). As far as I'm concerned, the whole trilogy is genius and each movie just builds the suspense until THE climax at the end of Revolutions. If you haven't seen the first two movies, yet, you NEED to see them before you see Revolutions. Otherwise, you'll come away with only questions, not answers.
Oh, and if you can, go see it on an IMAX screen. Trust me, it's worth the dollar or two extra. I saw it on a "giant screen" that is bigger than the standard movie theater, but it's not the same as the IMAX experience. To find an IMAX screen that's showing Revolutions go to www.imax.com and look for the Matrix link. Sorry, I didn't think to go to that page before I started writing this, so there isn't a link in this post. Maybe I'll do that, though, as soon as I'm done with this post.
Ok, I'm done!

Friday, November 07, 2003

Finally, a video game for Jethro and Ellie May!
I'm trying to cut back to two tomatos a day, but the darn things are so addictive!
I hope this guy was planning on sharing. 43,500 pounds of hot dogs is a lot for one person!
Never stick your finger in your ear...unless you've got a phone call.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I wonder if they have matching underwear for this Tie...
Who's the greatest secret agent in the world? DangerMouse - He's The Quickest - He's The Best!!
Got time? Try reading DNA.
Pun of the Day, funny joke of the day, free archive of funny one liners and funny people Aha, this is how you put a link into a post. You go to the website you want to link to, THEN click on BlogThis! Ok, so NOW you can click on the colored text and get the pun of the day!
Another Experiment. Now, let's see if I can create a web link. If the following text is colord and underlined, click it!
http://www.punoftheday.com/
I was wrong. Ok, so that post that I thought wasn't posted actually was. It just took a minute or two to appear. Isn't blogging fun?
Oooh, color! Hmmmm, I guess I can't remove the gobbledygook that appears in the window. I tried it and my post wasn't posted. So now I'll try replacing the "WebMail Login" title that appeared at the beginning of my previous post. It's just the title of the page my browser was showing when I started BlogThis!. Let's see if this works...
Hmmmm, what is all this gobbledygook? Looks like HTML code to me, though I have no working knowledge of HTML. Let's see what happens when I remove it and try posting.
WebMail Login BlogThis! No, that's not an insult, it's the program I'm writing this post with, conveniently integrated into my web browser. If it works (which I'll know when I finish this post), it's pretty neat. I just click on BlogThis! in the menu bar of my browser and this little window pops up for me to type my post in. Then, hopefully, I click either "Post" or "Post & Publish" and voilia! my post is, well, posted. And now to see if it works. One....two....three!
And for all you mathematicians:

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
I guess you could say puns are the nucleus of my sense of humor:

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."
If you haven't been keeping up with my blog then congratulations -- you have a life. For the rest of you, you'll remember reading that I like puns. Well, here is one of the funniest puns I've seen in a long time:

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Vive la France!

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Oh great, the Country Music Awards are on. Country Music, for you linguists out there, is what we call an "oxymoron." No, that doesn't mean that only morons who use Oxy listen to it. I know plenty of morons who don't use Oxy who listen to country music. No, an oxymoron is a phrase consisting of two words with opposite meanings. Here are a few examples:

Jumbo Shrimp
Awfully Good
Clinton Ethics
Government Intelligence

You get the idea. In what other genre will you find a song about "beer for my horse?" This gives new meaning to the term "drinking and driving." That reminds me of something else you shouldn't mix alcohol with: calculus. Yes, calculus. Many states now have laws against drinking and deriving.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Welcome to JimBlog. I'm Jim. This is my blog.
As I'm sitting here I'm watching the first episode of 8 Simple Rules (ABC) without John Ritter. He was the type of funny guy we need more of. Don't underestimate the importance of humor. Remember, "Laughter is the best medicine."
I prefer puns, myself. A while back the Orlando Sentinel was having a pun contest. You could enter as many as you want. The top 25 puns would be published and receive cash prizes. If more than one of your puns won, you would win more money. I sent in 10 puns hoping at least one of them would win, but unfortunately...
No pun in ten did!